Date update....or downdate. :)

So, it's falling through. I just got a text from the guy and he has to work. I'm ok though. I knew it was a possibility. Do I regret going through with it and asking him out? Nope. I rose above my fear and I can't regret that. :) 'Course, now I've got to find someone else to go to this thing with. Guess we'll see what works out within this next week. The results could be interesting and/or surprising to us all. :)

So, I just did something incredibly scary. Something that I've wanted to do for awhile now. I told myself that I was going to do it, and no matter what the outcome, I was going to write about it because I knew that it was a HUGE challenge and step forward for me. If it had a negative outcome, I was going to say that not all the frogs you kiss turn into princes. Not every challenge you take on will have a favorable result. Sometimes it's good just to have the experience. It stretches you.
But...
This one just happened to be happy!!! Okay, now that I've built it up so much, it's going to seem a little anti-climatic. But here it goes.......I asked a guy out on a date!!!! Not just any guy, but a guy that I have admired and looked up to for quite awhile. This is a guy that it took me about a year to get up the guts to talk to a little bit. And if you know me, that's significant because I can be quite the talker. But anyway, he said yes! Yay for me!!!!!!!!! :) I'm a little ecstatic if you can't tell! One of the reasons that this is such a big deal is that when I was thinking about the last time I asked a guy out, I realized that it was just over two years ago. I haven't had to do it since then. I've been the one that's been asked. I'm completely out of practice. But I knew that if I didn't do this, I would regret it. So yay!!! I'm a happy camper right now!
Now, lest you are all worried now if something doesn't happen between us, let me set your minds at ease. I'm not going to be completely crushed and depressed if this is the only date between us. I'm counting on this being a fun friends type of thing. I'm excited to spend some time with just him to get to know him better. But still....yay!!! :)

A childhood ambition came to fruition

When I was a little girl, I would look out of my bedroom window and see a mountain. Ever since I can remember, I had it in the back of my head that someday I would go to the tippy top of that mountain. When I got older, I found out that there was actually a trail that led up there. The first time I tried it was June 4, 2001, but didn't make it very far at all. The following is what I wrote down and what I felt I had learned from "failing.".

1) You must be prepared in all things in order to make it. You may have sufficient water, food, sunblock, and mental ability, but without the physical ability and training, you can't make it. Thus, you must be prepared in all things.

2) You can't make it to the top (the Celestial Kingdom, or perfection) in one day. It takes work and training. You have to work for it. It takes more than one day to be prepared.

3) Sometimes rocks aren't put in your way for stumbling blocks, but for stepping stones. It's up to you how you use them. You can let them trip you or you can use them to help you get farther.

4) You didn't make it as far (high) as you wanted to, but you made it farther than you had before. If your goal is to make it farther each time, then one day you'll make it there.

5) Some parts of the trail are harder than others. You may have to take those slower. But don't give up. It will be worth it. Be thankful for the even stretches. You may need that energy when the trail gets harder.

6) Be grateful and look for things to learn. Don't let the noise of the world overcome. Take time for silent pondering so you can hear those things you need to learn.

It took me a long time to try that hike again. Eventually, being the romantic that I am, I came up with this little thing in my head that whoever helped me and hiked up that mountain with me would be the one that I marry. It became very symbolic. It would show me his patience with me, tell how we would encourage each other, etc. It was all very idealistic. Well, after Lance and I broke up, I decided that I couldn't let my success in my own dreams depend on anyone else but me. I decided that I would attempt the hike again on my 28th birthday. I figured it would be a good way to start a new year of my life. I invited some friends and family to join me (because we're not supposed to hike alone), but none of them could make it. I decided I couldn't let that stop me. I was determined. To tell the truth, I really didn't expect to make it to the top. I hadn't made it very far before, and so I really doubted I would be able to make it this time. I had started a running program a few weeks before, so I was in a little better shape, but still not the best. It was a beautiful morning. There was a little sprinkle of rain. It wasn't too hot or cold. It was just right. I was prepared with a poncho, water, etc. I decided that I'd already succeeded the moment that I passed the place that I'd stopped before.

It wasn't easy for me. Sometimes all I could do was take the next step. There were a couple of times that I literally got on my knees to ask for strength to keep going. There was a time that I was alone on the higher part with a bison.

We stared each other down and I prayed that the trail led away from him. It did, thankfully, but I was frozen for a few minutes just praying for that. When I finally got to the top (what I thought was the top) I realized that I still had another peak to make it to. I didn't know what to do at that point. I felt like I had given all that I could to make it that far. The trail continued, but I couldn't see where it led to. I couldn't be sure that it would even take me where I wanted to go. I could tell that it would be harder than everything I had encountered before. So I stood there, reasoning and rationalizing with myself. I'd made it to the top, just not the tippy top. Wouldn't that be enough? But then I told myself that where I was was not my goal. Why would I stop before I got to where I wanted. I'd come this far, and didn't know if I'd ever come again. Was I really going to be satisfied with this when I made it back down to the bottom. I could picture myself avoiding looking at this mountain in the future just because I knew it would represent yet another failure. Did I really want to feel that? I realized that I would not be satisfied and took the chance on the trail, hoping it would take me to the top.

It was scary and steep. There were times that I knew if just one of my feet slipped, I would fall far and be injured who knows how badly. It was slow. I was extremely careful. I was very thankful for my hiking poles that helped keep me steady. I climbed a few rocks, and then, through a little bit of brush, I could see the sky. I pulled myself up the final bit and looked around me.

I had made it. I knew I hadn't done it alone. There was no way I could have. I also realized that it was a blessing that no one else had come with me because if they would have shown the slightest bit of fatigue or anything, I would have stopped. I pulled out my ipod and listened to a song that I had found that described this journey. It's called, "How to Move a Mountain" by Cherie Call. I listened to that a few times, letting the view seep into me.

I wish I could really describe how I felt at that moment. Not just for what I'd done, but for what it symbolized. It meant so many different things on so many different levels. Anyway, I finally headed down and was sore for the next several days.Ouch. :) But it felt good to be able to check something off my list.

Beautiful morning hike

I went on a hike this morning with my friend, David. We went from Fernwood to Adams Canyon on the Bonneville Shoreline Trail. I believe that hiking is one of the best things to do on a beautiful morning like we had today!!! I feel invigorated, even though I know I'll probably be a little sore in the morning. I really need to do this more!

This is DEFINITELY not the most flattering pic of me, but it was a beautiful day, so just focus on the background. :) Or focus on David. That works too. :)

Camp Williams

We had a regional activity at Camp Williams back in the Spring. I almost didn't go, even though it sounded like a ton of fun. I didn't want to make a fool of myself. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do some of the things and that I would end up feeling even more awful about myself. Thank goodness I didn't listen to that fear. I had SO much fun. We did a little repelling (which wasn't my favorite, maybe I just need a little more practice), we had some team building exercises in which I got to hold a cute boy's hand (even though I didn't realize it at the time because I was concentrating on the task at hand), and we got to jump off a big tower and go on a zip line. It was supposed to simulate what jumping out of an airplane would be like. That was my favorite! I only wish that it had been a lot higher. It probably helped that I've never been afraid of heights. I even ended up getting some scars from the rope I was attached to, but I actually like them. It shows that I'd done something and reminds me of the great experience every time I see them. :) The pics on here are some that I took. Unfortunetly, I haven't figured out yet how to scan the prints that someone gave me that had me in them and get them on here. When I do, I'll put them up. These give the general idea. Let's go again!!!!

Pokes

Needles are scary. I'm not a fan, but I didn't cry this year getting my flu shot like I did last year. It's progress. :)

Lessons from the mouth of a 5 year old

Okay, so this really doesn't have anything to do with the point of this blog. It's not a risk I took or anything like that. It's just a memory I had that I felt I wanted to share. The thing that triggered this memory was listening to a book on cd by Sheri Dew today. In it, she shares a story about a trip that she made with her nieces and nephew. They were having some problems with the flight, and she was given a little bit of wisdom from one of them. "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard." The profoundness made me think of an experience that I had with my own nieces and nephew. It was a hot summer day. I had picked up the kids in SLC, and was taking them home with me. There was an oversized load that had spilled that was blocking off both I-15 and I-215. This was before the Legacy Parkway and all the roads going North were completely stopped. I have a cute black car that gets really hot in the sun and the kids were starting to roast. I had limited water and was getting a little frustrated because I couldn't go anywhere. After going only 2 blocks in an hour and a half, I finally just threw up my hands and told the kids that I had no clue when we were going to make it home because there was absolutely no way that I could possibly go. That's when my little nephew spoke up and said that he knew of a way. I asked him what that was, with a little laugh in my voice. Was he going to suggest we fly? His simple statement caught me completely off guard. He said, "Be patient." I couldn't argue with him. He was right. It was my only alternative at the time. Wanting to be in a rush, getting frustrated and flustered, and sighing a lot weren't getting me anywhere. Being patient was it. Sometimes in life, when we feel like we're stopped in our progression and we have no where that we can go, we just have to be patient. Eventually an avenue will open up. It might be really late at night, or later in our lives, but what choice do we have? We can choose to be frustrated, angry, ornery, etc. or we can choose to be patient, enjoy the time we have with the people we're "stuck" with, tell really corny jokes and riddles that don't make sense, sing, and try to lift where we are. Anyway, I just thought I'd add this little nugget in. :) Look for lessons. They're all around you.

"Sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same."

Ok, here I go. (Big deep breath). I can't go on with the other things that I've done this year until I've put this in. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It hurt a lot. Sometimes it makes me angry. Most of the time it just makes me sad. Now, I know that a lot of people have gone through this, but bear with me. Anyone that knows me well knows that most of the relationships that I've had in the past have only lasted a couple months. Not sure why, but that's the way it was. Then I met Lance. We hit it off on our first date, he introduced me to his parents on our second, he told me he loved me in the first month, and I eventually followed. I felt so much conflict and anxiety within me, but I didn't know if it was just because I had never been that serious with someone, or if it just wasn't right. He let me express my feelings to him and didn't get scared and shut down like a lot of guys would have. We were together almost every day for the next eight months. He treated me like a queen most of the time. We talked about everything. I loved him. But, sometimes love just isn't enough. I needed friendship, and we had never had the chance to develop that since we just jumped right into the relationship. We stopped growing together. Things that were very important were being forgotten. A time came that I realized that I couldn't help him do what he needed to do. I was holding him back. And he felt like he was holding me back as well. So, we broke up. I needed to see if we could accomplish those things that we needed to do personally, on our own, because we weren't accomplishing them together. I thought that maybe if we sorted that out ourselves, then we could come back together stronger. I never intended it to be a forever break. As you all know, I don't let go of people. But I knew going into the breakup that it may be, because of the way he felt about such things. As I look back now, I don't know if I would've been able to develop just a friendship afterwards either. So, maybe he was right to say goodbye completely. I still miss him. I do still love him. I probably shouldn't admit this, but there hasn't been a single day in the last 7 and a half months that I haven't thought about him. Sometimes the thought is stronger than others. Sometimes it's just a passing picture in my head, or a song on my ipod. It was a big risk for me because I was leaving a man in whom I felt comfortable with, who said that I deserved to be taken care of and claimed he could do it (believe me, stability is a hard thing to say no to), who I felt I could get physically close to (which is important), and who loved me despite me being a little moody sometimes. Okay, a lot moody sometimes. I never really doubted his love for me. I had to walk away from all that and step into the complete unknown again. Now, lest anyone think that I'm just a big baby and way too picky and could've worked everything out, let me just say that if I had felt it to be right, I would have been able to accept and handle the problems that we had. But as it was, I had to say goodbye to him because I couldn't say forever with him. Okay, I think that's all I can do tonight. I may come back and revise later.

Sometimes we need a little push

So, I wanted to include the things that I've done earlier this year that have been fun, challenging, risky, etc. For that reason, there will be posts, especially in the next few weeks, that will be going backwards and skipping around a little.

This pic was taken at my dear friend, Crystal's, wedding on September 20th. I wasn't planning on dancing with anyone, but Crystal informed me that she had told her brother that he had to dance with me on the next slow song. This was pretty scary, especially since I've always thought he was cute. I get nervous around cute guys. That, and the fact that we had maybe said two words to each other in the time that we've known each other, made me want to hide. And hide I did, behind my friend, Jami's, husband. Unfortunetly, he moved and Crystal caught me. But ya know what? Dancing with Sean wasn't bad. I struck up a conversation, he replied, and it was quite pleasant. I'm glad she talked (or dragged) me into it. Things won't always turn out as bad as you imagine that they will. :)

Bowling for Singles

You'd think that a bowling alley full of single young adults (over 25) wouldn't be that scary, but you'd be wrong. It's kinda terrifying. Especially when you're not sure you would know anyone there. My friend, Christy, and I decided to go to this activity. It would keep us occupied, get us out of our comfort zones, and maybe even be a little fun. Actually, the main reason that I decided to go is because I knew that it would challenge me. Get me in small groups, and I can be fun and outgoing. In larger groups, I'm more quiet and hide in the shadows a little. Christy was a good example for me. She was friendly and met a lot of new people, even though it was tough for her. I'm very grateful for good friends!!!

Italiano!!! Oh wait, is that spanish? :)

Buongiorno!! I'm on my way. I'm taking the Italian slow, and really doubt that I'll ever be able to converse with anyone that actually knows it, but I'm having fun learning a little bit. Thank goodness for IPods! Grazie to all those that are supporting me in all my ambitions. Per piacere know that I'll be there for ya'll as well. Prego makes good sauce. Mi chiamo Amber, but you can call me anytime!!! :) Okay, enough of the silly moodness. More Italian updates to come. Arrivederci and ciao!

Defying Gravity in NYC

I decided that I'd start out my blog by remembering a chance that I took a couple years ago. How many people can say that they've sung kareoke in front of a room full of strangers in NYC? Okay, probably a lot of people, especially if they live out there. I was at the wax museum and they had a little "American Idol" kareoke stage with a wax Simon Cowell. At first I was very hesitant, but then I realized that I was never going to see any of those people ever again, so why not go ahead and risk making a fool of myself. :) I had received the soundtrack to Wicked for my birthday a couple weeks before and thought I'd give a song from it a shot. I chose "Defying Gravity." Fitting. Anyway, I loved the chance that I took and there was even a lady that came up to me later upstairs and told me that I had a really good voice. I got a pretty good comment from "Simon" too, which was surprising since he'd completely insulted the few singers that were before me. :) Another reason that this trip was awesome is that we got to see Wicked!! That was probably my favorite part of NYC.