Holding my baby a little extra long tonight. He's had a hard time napping today and so he was a little whiny and clingy. Well, not really clingy, because he's really not that kind of baby, but wanting me to be in close proximity and not out of sight. He got a little better near bedtime and after his last meal.  We listened to music while he sat on my bed and I folded his clothes. He enjoys that. He likes it even more when I sing along to the music. He even tries to chime in. After that, we started his nighttime routine, which I don't always do.  Changed him into his pjs, then rocked him in the rocking chair while singing, "Angel Lullaby," all three verses of, "I Am a Child of God," and then turned on the sleep time playlist on my phone which consists of, "Breath of Heaven," "Gravity," Il Divo's version of ,"Hallelujah,"Whisper of a Thrill," and "Watch You Grow," among others.  For some reason I feel like rocking and holding him extra long tonight, even though he's been asleep for awhile now.  He is such a happy boy. I feel so privileged to be his mom. He is such a special spirit.
Maybe one reason I feel like holding him longer today is because I'm thinking of some of my friends. One couple lost their sweet baby girl two years ago. It seems that she only lived about 12 hours.  I think of how I didn't really expect my pregnancy to last and how at the beginning after my baby was born, I would check on him almost constantly, especially at night, half expecting the worst. I've gotten better, but still check quite a bit. I am a little paranoid, but it reminds me that ever day, every moment with this sweet child is a gift. I hope that I get to continue watching him grow into a good man. It helps to know that no matter what happens, I will always be his mother. That's an amazing thing to me. There's a commercial on tv that is pretty cheesy, but touches me everytime because of the last line. It's a little girl kinda talking to her mother.  It's something along the lines of, " The moment I became yours, you became mine."
Ok, enough sentimentality for now. 

My baby is almost 7 months old. When did that happen?  In church today, there was a baby that was just a couple weeks old and she was so sweet and tiny. I started sobbing right there realizing how much my baby has grown up. Yup. It looks like I'm going to be one of those emotional moms who cries everytime my baby hits a milestone like going off to school.  My little sweet man has such a cute personality. I've loved getting to know him. He's such a happy boy and so social. I love it when he smiles at everyone around him, even if they're not looking. I am blessed to be his mom.

Something I didn't know I'd have a problem with....

One of the biggest challenges

Probably the hardest thing

The hardest and biggest challenge that I've had to face is breastfeeding.  I didn't know I'd have a problem.  It's supposed to be a natural thing.  I thought I was prepared.  

I couldn't have been more wrong.

It doesn't surprise me that some moms go on medication for depression after having a baby.  It surprises me that all moms aren't on it.  I'm a little surprised that I didn't.  I think I probably could have.  If the doctor, my husband, or even my mom saw me all the time, I think they would have insisted I get help.  Looking at me from the outside, I probably would have insisted on it too.  I'm glad I didn't.  I'm glad I made it though that part.  No one prepared me for the possibility that I wouldn't be able to feed my own baby.  That I would go through heart wrenching sobbing hours because I wasn't enough.  I couldn't be enough for my baby.  It brought back all the insecurities that I ever had before in my life about my ability to be a mom.  It brought back cutting words from an old boyfriend telling me that if I couldn't be happy at my job and  how would I be able to be a mother.  What if I had done things a little differently.  Honestly, even with all that I know now that I could have done in those first two weeks for my supply, it may not have been enough.  I may just be one of the few with an actual low supply.  I've come a long way in accepting things within the past month.  I'm not beating myself up as much.  But Thursday, it hit me yet again.  I know Rob doesn't get why it affects me so much.  I know he's tired of hearing about and seeing how it hurts me.  I don't blame him for not understanding.  But Thursday, it was stabbing at me again.   Baby had started screaming and refusing when I'd try to nurse.  The pump was getting less than 1/2 oz total, even after pumping for an hour.  I was taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle.  Eating Oatmeal every morning.  Drinking a mexican cornstarch drink that's supposed to help.  Power pumping. Etc.  And then Heavenly Father let me know that He's aware of me.  I was sobbing and looking up online about if there was even a chance of being able to increase supply at 3 months. And then, out of the blue, the Lactation Consultant from the hospital called to see how it was going. I hadn't heard from them since February.  I couldn't speak.  All I could do was cry.  She asked if I wanted to come in and I said yes.  Friday I went in and we talked about everything.  We talked about my low supply from the beginning, how I had to supplement.  (I resisted supplementing at first, convinced that I would produce enough for him and all I needed to do was nurse more.  After I left the hospital and went to his first few appointments and he hadn't gained weight, I gave in).  We talked about having a c-section and how I didn't nurse right away because I was afraid to kick everyone out of the room.  We talked about all the things that I didn't know being a new mom and what was available to me.  We talked about the different tricks (I'd tried most of them), and about how having surgery on my wrist just six weeks after he was born had an impact on trying to breastfeed because I couldn't use my hand very well and position him right.  We talked about PCOS and how that may have something to do with my low supply, or may not.  We talked about how hard I had been trying to get him at least a little breastmilk every day, and how much time it took and how exhausting it was.  We talked about how at this point, there wasn't much left to do and that there wasn't anything that would make my supply be enough.  We talked about everything.  But mostly, we talked about what we could do next time.  She took notes so that they will know to be more vigilant with me next time.  Things that we would need to start doing in the hospital before going home.  She gave me her home number so that next time I can call her and let her know that I'd be coming in again and she could work with me personally.  One of the things that I needed to know was that no matter what I do at this point, my supply wasn't going to increase.  It takes some pressure off of me.  I still will mourn.  But hopefully I'll be able to move forward and know that I tried.  I tried harder than most do, or have to.  There's an article that the Lactation Specialist found about PCOS and breastfeeding and it describes things and my feelings too. http://www.lalecheleague.org/llleaderweb/lv/lvaprmay05p27.html

I know this is somewhat jumbled.  That's how my head is.

I just wish people could look at me and automatically know that I wanted to breastfeed.  That I tried.  That it wasn't that I just didn't try hard enough.  I wish they could see the heartache I've had over it.  The hopelessness, uselessness, and despair that I've felt.  That it is something that I'm truly mourning about.  

I wish that I could pack up and put away my pumps, the breast pads that I never had to use, the nursing bras, the nipple shields, the breastmilk bottles and bags, the heat compresses, the herbal supplements, the Maizena, and everything else related to breastfeeding and just move forward.  But I have a feeling, that until I'm certain that I can't get a single drop (literally), or it gets to six months or a year, I'm going to keep trying to give him what I can. And as long as that's happening, I think I'll have emotional relapses because I won't be able to really move on yet.  Poor husband.  I may pack up the things that I'm doing to try to increase my supply though and see what I just get naturally. 

Apparently I needed to get this out of me.

 

Moments

These are the moments I want to remember. Sitting here at 4 am, holding my sweet baby after feeding him.  A rare feeding where he didn't spit/throw up. Watching him as he nuzzles and tries to find a comfortable position before drifting back to sleep. Seeing his sweet, sleepy/gassy grin. Listening to the clock tick, and just feeling the peace of the moment. Yes, sometimes I miss sleeping like Rob does, but these are moments that he doesn't get.

What?

So, apparently I'm having a baby today. I'm kinda terrified. More to come later because I should probably get some rest.

Finally posting the news

So, I found out I was pregnant in June.  We didn't want to announce it publicly until later. It was about 20 weeks.  That was also when these pics were taken.  I don't know why I've been hesitant to write things down about how things have been, but I've been putting it off for some reason.  Now I'll probably forget everything I intended to remember.  

June 9th, I was really emotional and just completely broke down sobbing into my pillow for no reason whatsoever.  Rob asked if I'd taken a pregnancy test recently.  I told him that it'd been a few weeks (taking pregnancy tests wasn't that uncommon since I'm so irregular).  I decided to take one in the morning (June 10th).  It was a Sunday morning and for some reason, I didn't sleep in.  I woke up really early.  Went and took the test and pretty immediately, it indicated positive.  I said out loud, "Really? Really? I mean, really?"  I think I may have pinched myself a little because of the dreams I'd had before.  Then I went back into the bedroom and excitedly woke Rob up (which I knew was risky because he doesn't like being woken up). I said, "Guess what!  I slept through the night!!"  I really was excited about that because I hadn't for a few weeks before that.  Rob gave me a look that pretty much told me I was in trouble if that was the only reason I was waking him up.  Then I showed him the test.  I kept repeating, "Now what do I do?  I don't know what to do now."  He stopped me and said something like, "Now you come here," and he opened his arms up to me.  It was a sweet moment.        

I'm just over 26 weeks now.  We're excited, but I think that I'll have a cautious excitement until baby is here.  I honestly didn't expect for my pregnancy to get this far. I know so many things can go in an unplanned way.  I really am happy though.  Nervous, scared, but most of the time, pretty calm.  That's a little strange for me.  But I've tried to keep things as calm as possible for the most part.  I don't want stress to be the reason if something goes wrong.  

There is one thing that I will say about this pregnancy.  Although it isn't easy, I think I was expecting to feel awful the whole time.   It hasn't been nearly as bad as I expected it to be.  I think the fact that I've been able to relax, breathe, and drink lots of water has really helped.  

Some of the things I want to remember that surprised me:

I was so determined to eat healthy in the beginning.  But I soon found out that it wasn't going to work.  The first trimester, I couldn't eat veggies.  I tried.  It didn't work.  I did force a V8 down most days so that I would get some goodness in me.  Most of the time, I just didn't want to eat at all.  Any type of food was gross.  That changed in the beginning of my 2nd trimester when I went to Texas.  My appetite came back with a vengence.  Tex-Mex food is SOOO good!  These days, I can eat more than I could before, but if I could get away with not eating, I totally would.  

I didn't expect to gag every time I brushed my teeth.  I'd never heard about that one before.  After awhile of that, I got some kids toothpaste that was strawberry flavored.  It helped a lot.

I expected to throw up in the first trimester.  I didn't.  A lot of times I really wish I would have, but my body just wouldn't do it.  Painful dry heaves was all I got. I was nauseated pretty consistently.  The first time something actually came up, it surprised me.  It was on the way home from Vernal at a rest stop.  I was about 18 weeks.  It's happened just about 2 or 3 times since.  I do count myself lucky.

I can't remember when it was, but I had some vertigo.  It took me by surprise because the room would start to spin even though I was just switching from my left side to my right in bed. There were a couple times that it happened when I was completely still. I was thankful that nausea didn't come with it.  Without feeling sick, the vertigo just felt like a crazy amusement park ride. :)  Only lasted 10 seconds or so each time.

I also thought that not being able to sleep through the night only came AFTER the baby came.  I was wrong on that.  My body started waking me up several times during the night when I first became pregnant, before I even knew I was.  I have been able to adjust for the most part.  I'm not a napper, and so taking naps during the day was something I had to get used to.  Still not into it completely, but I am getting better.  I learn from Rob.  He's a GREAT napper. :)

I decided I'd take a pregnancy pic so that I could at least see where I was at.  I thought I looked a lot more pregnant until I saw this picture.  This is at 20 weeks.  I might take another at 30.  We'll see.

These are from my anatomy ultrasound.  I thought I'd get a cute little profile that I've seen others get so many times.  Nope.  This kid just wanted to look our way the whole time.  See that mischievous grin?

 We got a cute little feet pic.  It's a little hard to see, but the toes are pointing down with the heels up farther.

Up until the ultrasound, I was convinced I was having a girl because of certain experiences I've had in the past.  I won't go into them because they're sacred to me, but I was very looking forward to the sparkly shoes, and princess stuff, and pink, etc.  It took me a couple days to really believe that I was having a boy.  Rob handled my little bit of sadness quite well.  I'm good with it now.  A few weeks before we found out, I realized I was getting too set on a girl in my head.  I didn't want to be disappointed.  I tried to get things better in my head, but what really helped was a baptism for a couple of the boys in our ward.  I'm the pianist in Primary in our ward, and so I get to attend them when they happen.  When I listened to the confirmations and the blessings and thing things that were ahead for them and what good boys they were, it calmed me about having a boy.  Also, similar to that experience, last night I was able to attend a Priesthood Preview which is a little preparation for the boys in Primary that will be turning 12 and receiving the Priesthood the next year.  Now, I'm emotional anyway, but I pretty much bawled through the whole thing thinking about my boy and what was in store for him and how, as his mom, to prepare him, etc, etc.   It was a very touching night.  

Well, I didn't expect this post to be so long, but I guess that's what happens after keeping things inside for awhile.  I feel very lucky and blessed to have this experience.  I hope that none of it came across as complaining, because wasn't intended that way.  It's just observance of things that are different than I thought.  I wanted to remember these things.  I'm very aware of how lucky I am.

Due date is February 17th.  It's going to come fast with the holidays being right here upon us.  I hope I do okay. :)

Thanks for reading. It was mostly for me. I hope I didn't go into too annoying or disgusting detail.  Love you all!

July is always a reflective month in our home.  It was even more so this year.  If you'd told me 5 years ago, that I would be with my husband, looking at pictures of him and his first wife, and reflecting with him all that has happened in the past five years, I wouldn't have believed it.  It's been five years since she died.  This year, the days even match up.  It's just very interesting how life turns out.  When I was 17, I remember telling one of my friends that all I wanted to do was graduate, get married, and raise kids.  As I was remembering this, and all that's happened since 17, all I can do is be thankful that my life didn't take the path that I thought I wanted.  I'm lucky enough to have what I wanted at 17, plus a completely extra part of life that I didn't know I wanted.  I was able to be single, go to college and graduate, take amazing trips with friends, grow with Institute, perform, meet so many new friends, learn about myself, and countless other things!  Then I was blessed to marry an amazing man who loves me, takes care of me, and lets me be completely me with him.  There's just so much more in my life that I've received that I never knew I wanted.  It would have been tragic to not have experienced so many of the things I have.  I've been blessed to be with my husband for over 2 years and just grow together.  I'm excited for what's coming next.