Finally posting the news

So, I found out I was pregnant in June.  We didn't want to announce it publicly until later. It was about 20 weeks.  That was also when these pics were taken.  I don't know why I've been hesitant to write things down about how things have been, but I've been putting it off for some reason.  Now I'll probably forget everything I intended to remember.  

June 9th, I was really emotional and just completely broke down sobbing into my pillow for no reason whatsoever.  Rob asked if I'd taken a pregnancy test recently.  I told him that it'd been a few weeks (taking pregnancy tests wasn't that uncommon since I'm so irregular).  I decided to take one in the morning (June 10th).  It was a Sunday morning and for some reason, I didn't sleep in.  I woke up really early.  Went and took the test and pretty immediately, it indicated positive.  I said out loud, "Really? Really? I mean, really?"  I think I may have pinched myself a little because of the dreams I'd had before.  Then I went back into the bedroom and excitedly woke Rob up (which I knew was risky because he doesn't like being woken up). I said, "Guess what!  I slept through the night!!"  I really was excited about that because I hadn't for a few weeks before that.  Rob gave me a look that pretty much told me I was in trouble if that was the only reason I was waking him up.  Then I showed him the test.  I kept repeating, "Now what do I do?  I don't know what to do now."  He stopped me and said something like, "Now you come here," and he opened his arms up to me.  It was a sweet moment.        

I'm just over 26 weeks now.  We're excited, but I think that I'll have a cautious excitement until baby is here.  I honestly didn't expect for my pregnancy to get this far. I know so many things can go in an unplanned way.  I really am happy though.  Nervous, scared, but most of the time, pretty calm.  That's a little strange for me.  But I've tried to keep things as calm as possible for the most part.  I don't want stress to be the reason if something goes wrong.  

There is one thing that I will say about this pregnancy.  Although it isn't easy, I think I was expecting to feel awful the whole time.   It hasn't been nearly as bad as I expected it to be.  I think the fact that I've been able to relax, breathe, and drink lots of water has really helped.  

Some of the things I want to remember that surprised me:

I was so determined to eat healthy in the beginning.  But I soon found out that it wasn't going to work.  The first trimester, I couldn't eat veggies.  I tried.  It didn't work.  I did force a V8 down most days so that I would get some goodness in me.  Most of the time, I just didn't want to eat at all.  Any type of food was gross.  That changed in the beginning of my 2nd trimester when I went to Texas.  My appetite came back with a vengence.  Tex-Mex food is SOOO good!  These days, I can eat more than I could before, but if I could get away with not eating, I totally would.  

I didn't expect to gag every time I brushed my teeth.  I'd never heard about that one before.  After awhile of that, I got some kids toothpaste that was strawberry flavored.  It helped a lot.

I expected to throw up in the first trimester.  I didn't.  A lot of times I really wish I would have, but my body just wouldn't do it.  Painful dry heaves was all I got. I was nauseated pretty consistently.  The first time something actually came up, it surprised me.  It was on the way home from Vernal at a rest stop.  I was about 18 weeks.  It's happened just about 2 or 3 times since.  I do count myself lucky.

I can't remember when it was, but I had some vertigo.  It took me by surprise because the room would start to spin even though I was just switching from my left side to my right in bed. There were a couple times that it happened when I was completely still. I was thankful that nausea didn't come with it.  Without feeling sick, the vertigo just felt like a crazy amusement park ride. :)  Only lasted 10 seconds or so each time.

I also thought that not being able to sleep through the night only came AFTER the baby came.  I was wrong on that.  My body started waking me up several times during the night when I first became pregnant, before I even knew I was.  I have been able to adjust for the most part.  I'm not a napper, and so taking naps during the day was something I had to get used to.  Still not into it completely, but I am getting better.  I learn from Rob.  He's a GREAT napper. :)

I decided I'd take a pregnancy pic so that I could at least see where I was at.  I thought I looked a lot more pregnant until I saw this picture.  This is at 20 weeks.  I might take another at 30.  We'll see.

These are from my anatomy ultrasound.  I thought I'd get a cute little profile that I've seen others get so many times.  Nope.  This kid just wanted to look our way the whole time.  See that mischievous grin?

 We got a cute little feet pic.  It's a little hard to see, but the toes are pointing down with the heels up farther.

Up until the ultrasound, I was convinced I was having a girl because of certain experiences I've had in the past.  I won't go into them because they're sacred to me, but I was very looking forward to the sparkly shoes, and princess stuff, and pink, etc.  It took me a couple days to really believe that I was having a boy.  Rob handled my little bit of sadness quite well.  I'm good with it now.  A few weeks before we found out, I realized I was getting too set on a girl in my head.  I didn't want to be disappointed.  I tried to get things better in my head, but what really helped was a baptism for a couple of the boys in our ward.  I'm the pianist in Primary in our ward, and so I get to attend them when they happen.  When I listened to the confirmations and the blessings and thing things that were ahead for them and what good boys they were, it calmed me about having a boy.  Also, similar to that experience, last night I was able to attend a Priesthood Preview which is a little preparation for the boys in Primary that will be turning 12 and receiving the Priesthood the next year.  Now, I'm emotional anyway, but I pretty much bawled through the whole thing thinking about my boy and what was in store for him and how, as his mom, to prepare him, etc, etc.   It was a very touching night.  

Well, I didn't expect this post to be so long, but I guess that's what happens after keeping things inside for awhile.  I feel very lucky and blessed to have this experience.  I hope that none of it came across as complaining, because wasn't intended that way.  It's just observance of things that are different than I thought.  I wanted to remember these things.  I'm very aware of how lucky I am.

Due date is February 17th.  It's going to come fast with the holidays being right here upon us.  I hope I do okay. :)

Thanks for reading. It was mostly for me. I hope I didn't go into too annoying or disgusting detail.  Love you all!

July is always a reflective month in our home.  It was even more so this year.  If you'd told me 5 years ago, that I would be with my husband, looking at pictures of him and his first wife, and reflecting with him all that has happened in the past five years, I wouldn't have believed it.  It's been five years since she died.  This year, the days even match up.  It's just very interesting how life turns out.  When I was 17, I remember telling one of my friends that all I wanted to do was graduate, get married, and raise kids.  As I was remembering this, and all that's happened since 17, all I can do is be thankful that my life didn't take the path that I thought I wanted.  I'm lucky enough to have what I wanted at 17, plus a completely extra part of life that I didn't know I wanted.  I was able to be single, go to college and graduate, take amazing trips with friends, grow with Institute, perform, meet so many new friends, learn about myself, and countless other things!  Then I was blessed to marry an amazing man who loves me, takes care of me, and lets me be completely me with him.  There's just so much more in my life that I've received that I never knew I wanted.  It would have been tragic to not have experienced so many of the things I have.  I've been blessed to be with my husband for over 2 years and just grow together.  I'm excited for what's coming next.

Positive?

Three pregnancy tests.  All indicated the same thing.  Pregnant.

Now, before you get excited for me, let me tell you what happened.  

I took the first test.  Got the little plus sign.  I couldn't believe it.  Couldn't wait to tell Rob. 

Woke up and realized it was a dream.

Took the second test just to make sure the first one was real.  It said Pregnant.  

Woke up and realized I'd continued the dream from before.  

Took a third one. Again, positive.

Again woke up and realized it was a dream.  Why was my subconscious torturing me?  

Went and took a fourth one.  A single horizontal line.

Well, at least I knew for sure that I was actually awake this time.

I've been a little emotional today.  I know it's mostly hormones.  I cry sometimes.  I admit that I'm starting to feel the let down every month that I'm late, but not pregnant.  Not to the point that I hate people talking about their babies, and baby showers, and pregnancy pains, etc.  I hope I never get to that point.  I love hearing about my friends' excitement and I share in that.  I'm just extra weepy for a couple days a month.

I'm going to be super open for a second.  I've been married just over 2 years, and have never been on any kind of birth control.  People ask if I'm trying to get pregnant and I'm never sure how to answer.  I've never really not tried.  If they're talking about keeping track and trying especially hard on certain days, then up to a couple months ago, not really.  But it's been hard to keep track anyway because I'm so irregular.  I haven't really gotten frustrated about not being pregnant because from the start, I figured I'd take it whenever it happened.  

As a side note, I don't want those friends of mine that have difficulties to take any offense to anything I say here.  If I happen to say something insensitive, it's truly not meant to be.  I know it's a tender subject and I can't imagine what some of them must feel with the circumstances they have.  I have my own set of circumstances.  We all react differently.

I had an advantage going into marriage.  I think it would have been extremely difficult to have all the expectations and hopes that we all have, go into marriage, and find out afterward that things wouldn't be as easy as always planned.  I found out a few years before I got married that it would be harder for me to get pregnant.  I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2006, and found out that low fertility was part of it. Because of that, I was somewhat prepared.  My heart goes out to those that were hit with it out of the blue.  

I know this is all a little scattered.  That's how I am today.  

Reflecting

Every now and then I flip through my scriptures--specifically the ones that I got when I first started college.  The beginning of my real life.

The ones that would carry me though the most important decisions of my life.  The ones that would be my companion as I cried and searched for answers that weren't coming when I wanted.

The ones that would feel like an old friend standing with open arms when it had been far too long since I'd visited.

In these scriptures, I have countless papers to mark important places so that I can remember where an opening of mind and heart had occured.

Today was one of those days that I needed something.  I flipped through and looked at the spots that had papers in them.  Some of the papers themselves I looked at.

Like this one.  

Lately I've started to feel a lot of uneasiness.  I feel this from time to time.  Most of the time it's because I need to straighten something in my life.  When I saw this, it made me think.  How had I been doing?

Admittedly, not as well as I should.  

I don't know if anyone else is feeling like something's coming that we need to be prepared for, not just temporally, but spiritually too.  I am.  I'm not feeling spiritually strong like I feel like I'm going to need to be when whatever it is, hits.

It's strange.  I feel a lot of happiness in life right now.  I have an amazing husband who works hard, supports us, and loves me tons!  I have the flexibility that I've wanted to have and I love that.  I have learned more patience when it comes to others and have also been more patient with myself.  There's an incredible amount of peace that comes with that.  

I'm happy.  But then I read something negative somewhere or hear it on the news and suddenly I feel deep despair in my heart.  I'm feeling negativity affecting me possibly like it never has before.  It's like I have a glimpse at how much hate there is in the world and it's overwhelming.  For some reason, I take it all in. 

That's when I have to drag myself back to perspective.  Remember what I have control over and make that the best I can.  I have to choose to focus on the good things.

And I have to do what I know I should be doing.  That's how I'll have strength.  One of the places in my scriptures that hit me the hardest today was Doctrine and Covenants 19:23. "Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me."

I can't count the times that I've read, and marked, and double marked that scripture, but here it was again  giving me counsel and an answer.  I also looked at one of the footnotes: Micah 5:5.  "And this man shall be the peace when the Assyrian shall come into our land: and when he shall tread in our palaces, then shall we raise against him seven shepherds, and eight principal men."  This made me realize that I haven't studied the Bible perhaps like I should, because a lot of it didn't make sense to me.  But what it did say to me in my heart was basically, when evil men come and try to take away everything that I hold dear and sacred, Christ will be the peace and will overtake them.  If I am prepared, I shall not fear.

So, I went to the gym yesterday.  It had been a couple months.  Half of that was because of my health problems that I mentioned that kept me at home a lot.  I was nervous to start back up again because of those.  The other half was probably laziness.  I'll admit it.  There have been times that I just didn't want to go.  I was comfortable.  

But I went yesterday.

And I pushed harder than I have for a really long time.

And I felt good.  

I even found myself smiling during it.  Of course, that could have been because of my choice of music.  There's something about Unstoppable, Firework, Determinate, Who Says, etc. that just gets me going.  Disney Channel anyone?  :)

I felt good after.  Tired, but good.  

Went home. Stretched. Did my meditation breathing. Good.

Then I got up.

I could barely put any weight on my feet.  Booo!  I guess that's what I get for not easing back into it.  It's hard when my body and mind tell me to go for it and then later my body changes its mind.  I guess the little bit of running that I did pushed it over the edge.  Gotta remember that even though my mind is ready for it, my body takes a little bit more conditioning.

Point is though, I went, I pushed, and I'm still alive.  

The End

I tried to come up with a good title for this post, but none of them seemed to work.  For the last little bit, I've been working on cleaning out our 2nd room which we use as an office.  We've also been using it as a storage space.  So much so that it got to the point where we couldn't see much of the floor.  I decided to start tackling it because I knew that it was going to be there, in the back of my mind bugging me, until I took care of it.  One of the main reasons that it has been on my mind is because of things that Mom has been going through with the death of Grandpa.  It's been almost a year now, but it's been a year of stress for her.  She was given the task of taking care of getting Grandpa's house and land ready and sold.  But there's been a lot of things she's had to try to organize and go through.  It got me thinking that if something happens to Rob or me, I want to have things organized so that it won't be too much of a burden on family and they'll be able to find the things they need.

So, that brings me back to the process.  A lot of it is a little difficult because much of it isn't mine, so I don't know what is important to keep and what is fine to get rid of.  I looked back at some of my blog posts and realize that I've never said much about Rob's life before we got back together.  As some of you know, he was married before.  Her name was Leslie.  I went to their wedding reception and they seemed like a good couple together.  Well, about a year after they got married, she suddenly passed away.  About a year and a half after that is when Rob and I started dating again.

As I've been going through the boxes in the office and closet, I've found several pictures and belongings of Leslie's.  Rob was the one who put stuff in the office closet, so there were a lot of things I had never seen before.  I knew there was probably some of her things in there somewhere, but I wasn't sure what or how much.  It doesn't bother me that he has these things.  I understand.  I just don't know what to do with some of them.  If they'd had children, it'd be easy because I would just put the stuff aside to pass on to them later, but because there weren't, where should it go?  It's hard because I'm trying to be sensitive to his feelings.  I just don't know how sensitive I need to be.  It's tough because I haven't been in this situation before.  It has been interesting going through some of her things though.  It has made me wonder how similar we are.  I didn't know her when she was alive, and so sometimes it's hard to get a real understanding of who she was.  Some of her things explains it a little.

It's been a few weeks since I started this post.  I successfully made it through all of the stuff and have most of it organized now.  It was interesting to sit down with Rob and ask what of Leslie's could go and what he still wanted to keep.  It wasn't as hard as I expected it might be.  He seemed to do okay with it.  Of course, I picked a time that he was in the office with me and was on the computer, which I think helped him to not think too much.    

It's interesting to see where I've come over the past couple years.  I'm still not sure where Leslie fits with me and with our life, but I don't feel the insecurity about her that I used to.  At least, most of the time.  I think I'm growing.  I guess we'll see how much I continue to grow.

Learning to adjust...

I had a lot of adventures last year. Not just cooking adventures, like it looks from my last several posts. I spent my birthday in Puerto Rico. Loved it! I was planning on blogging all about it, but we still haven't gotten all our pictures together. Some of the ones I'm waiting on are the ones from the Bioluminescent Bay! Incredible experience! Hopefully I'll get to tell you with pictures all about it sometime.

I went to Washington a couple times, Canada, and Kansas. Spent a week in Vernal, went to a family reunion in Idaho, and went to several weddings of family and friends!

It was a fun year. For the most part.

Other things weren't as exciting. I've been having health problems that keep me at home a lot. Not that it's bad here, but it keeps me from doing a lot of things that I love. Hopefully I'll be able to figure things out and get somewhat back to normal.

I'm also hoping to get better at the blogging thing. I know I've said that before, but hopefully this time I actually will. I need to figure out how to work this better. I'm not sure how to post videos. Maybe I'll learn how to do that this year. :) And we got a new computer, so hopefully I'll be more eager to do it since it should actually work.