Pokes

Needles are scary. I'm not a fan, but I didn't cry this year getting my flu shot like I did last year. It's progress. :)

Lessons from the mouth of a 5 year old

Okay, so this really doesn't have anything to do with the point of this blog. It's not a risk I took or anything like that. It's just a memory I had that I felt I wanted to share. The thing that triggered this memory was listening to a book on cd by Sheri Dew today. In it, she shares a story about a trip that she made with her nieces and nephew. They were having some problems with the flight, and she was given a little bit of wisdom from one of them. "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard." The profoundness made me think of an experience that I had with my own nieces and nephew. It was a hot summer day. I had picked up the kids in SLC, and was taking them home with me. There was an oversized load that had spilled that was blocking off both I-15 and I-215. This was before the Legacy Parkway and all the roads going North were completely stopped. I have a cute black car that gets really hot in the sun and the kids were starting to roast. I had limited water and was getting a little frustrated because I couldn't go anywhere. After going only 2 blocks in an hour and a half, I finally just threw up my hands and told the kids that I had no clue when we were going to make it home because there was absolutely no way that I could possibly go. That's when my little nephew spoke up and said that he knew of a way. I asked him what that was, with a little laugh in my voice. Was he going to suggest we fly? His simple statement caught me completely off guard. He said, "Be patient." I couldn't argue with him. He was right. It was my only alternative at the time. Wanting to be in a rush, getting frustrated and flustered, and sighing a lot weren't getting me anywhere. Being patient was it. Sometimes in life, when we feel like we're stopped in our progression and we have no where that we can go, we just have to be patient. Eventually an avenue will open up. It might be really late at night, or later in our lives, but what choice do we have? We can choose to be frustrated, angry, ornery, etc. or we can choose to be patient, enjoy the time we have with the people we're "stuck" with, tell really corny jokes and riddles that don't make sense, sing, and try to lift where we are. Anyway, I just thought I'd add this little nugget in. :) Look for lessons. They're all around you.

"Sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same."

Ok, here I go. (Big deep breath). I can't go on with the other things that I've done this year until I've put this in. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It hurt a lot. Sometimes it makes me angry. Most of the time it just makes me sad. Now, I know that a lot of people have gone through this, but bear with me. Anyone that knows me well knows that most of the relationships that I've had in the past have only lasted a couple months. Not sure why, but that's the way it was. Then I met Lance. We hit it off on our first date, he introduced me to his parents on our second, he told me he loved me in the first month, and I eventually followed. I felt so much conflict and anxiety within me, but I didn't know if it was just because I had never been that serious with someone, or if it just wasn't right. He let me express my feelings to him and didn't get scared and shut down like a lot of guys would have. We were together almost every day for the next eight months. He treated me like a queen most of the time. We talked about everything. I loved him. But, sometimes love just isn't enough. I needed friendship, and we had never had the chance to develop that since we just jumped right into the relationship. We stopped growing together. Things that were very important were being forgotten. A time came that I realized that I couldn't help him do what he needed to do. I was holding him back. And he felt like he was holding me back as well. So, we broke up. I needed to see if we could accomplish those things that we needed to do personally, on our own, because we weren't accomplishing them together. I thought that maybe if we sorted that out ourselves, then we could come back together stronger. I never intended it to be a forever break. As you all know, I don't let go of people. But I knew going into the breakup that it may be, because of the way he felt about such things. As I look back now, I don't know if I would've been able to develop just a friendship afterwards either. So, maybe he was right to say goodbye completely. I still miss him. I do still love him. I probably shouldn't admit this, but there hasn't been a single day in the last 7 and a half months that I haven't thought about him. Sometimes the thought is stronger than others. Sometimes it's just a passing picture in my head, or a song on my ipod. It was a big risk for me because I was leaving a man in whom I felt comfortable with, who said that I deserved to be taken care of and claimed he could do it (believe me, stability is a hard thing to say no to), who I felt I could get physically close to (which is important), and who loved me despite me being a little moody sometimes. Okay, a lot moody sometimes. I never really doubted his love for me. I had to walk away from all that and step into the complete unknown again. Now, lest anyone think that I'm just a big baby and way too picky and could've worked everything out, let me just say that if I had felt it to be right, I would have been able to accept and handle the problems that we had. But as it was, I had to say goodbye to him because I couldn't say forever with him. Okay, I think that's all I can do tonight. I may come back and revise later.

Sometimes we need a little push

So, I wanted to include the things that I've done earlier this year that have been fun, challenging, risky, etc. For that reason, there will be posts, especially in the next few weeks, that will be going backwards and skipping around a little.

This pic was taken at my dear friend, Crystal's, wedding on September 20th. I wasn't planning on dancing with anyone, but Crystal informed me that she had told her brother that he had to dance with me on the next slow song. This was pretty scary, especially since I've always thought he was cute. I get nervous around cute guys. That, and the fact that we had maybe said two words to each other in the time that we've known each other, made me want to hide. And hide I did, behind my friend, Jami's, husband. Unfortunetly, he moved and Crystal caught me. But ya know what? Dancing with Sean wasn't bad. I struck up a conversation, he replied, and it was quite pleasant. I'm glad she talked (or dragged) me into it. Things won't always turn out as bad as you imagine that they will. :)

Bowling for Singles

You'd think that a bowling alley full of single young adults (over 25) wouldn't be that scary, but you'd be wrong. It's kinda terrifying. Especially when you're not sure you would know anyone there. My friend, Christy, and I decided to go to this activity. It would keep us occupied, get us out of our comfort zones, and maybe even be a little fun. Actually, the main reason that I decided to go is because I knew that it would challenge me. Get me in small groups, and I can be fun and outgoing. In larger groups, I'm more quiet and hide in the shadows a little. Christy was a good example for me. She was friendly and met a lot of new people, even though it was tough for her. I'm very grateful for good friends!!!

Italiano!!! Oh wait, is that spanish? :)

Buongiorno!! I'm on my way. I'm taking the Italian slow, and really doubt that I'll ever be able to converse with anyone that actually knows it, but I'm having fun learning a little bit. Thank goodness for IPods! Grazie to all those that are supporting me in all my ambitions. Per piacere know that I'll be there for ya'll as well. Prego makes good sauce. Mi chiamo Amber, but you can call me anytime!!! :) Okay, enough of the silly moodness. More Italian updates to come. Arrivederci and ciao!

Defying Gravity in NYC

I decided that I'd start out my blog by remembering a chance that I took a couple years ago. How many people can say that they've sung kareoke in front of a room full of strangers in NYC? Okay, probably a lot of people, especially if they live out there. I was at the wax museum and they had a little "American Idol" kareoke stage with a wax Simon Cowell. At first I was very hesitant, but then I realized that I was never going to see any of those people ever again, so why not go ahead and risk making a fool of myself. :) I had received the soundtrack to Wicked for my birthday a couple weeks before and thought I'd give a song from it a shot. I chose "Defying Gravity." Fitting. Anyway, I loved the chance that I took and there was even a lady that came up to me later upstairs and told me that I had a really good voice. I got a pretty good comment from "Simon" too, which was surprising since he'd completely insulted the few singers that were before me. :) Another reason that this trip was awesome is that we got to see Wicked!! That was probably my favorite part of NYC.